Scary Veiny Goodness

[maculategiraffe]

A quick bit of silliness for lothy's prompt here:

An AU of The Wish, in which Cordelia made a wish that I'm sure many other women have made over the years - but obviously not in the presence of Anyanka...

Anya sympathised greatly with Cordelia’s plight. "Can I just say... men."

"Second it," Cordy replied fervently.

"Apart from being without class, the guy’s obviously blind," Anya observed. "Deserves whatever he gets."

"I’m not even thinking about him. I am past it. I am living my life."

"Still, I mean... don’t you kinda wish..."

"I wish women ruled this world! It would be such a better place."

Suddenly Anya’s face changed, became wrinkled, and a gloating grin spread across her face. "Done."

The world changed.

---

"She was like a good fairy! A scary... veiny... good fairy."

Grinning with satisfaction, fingering her new necklace, Cordelia scanned the sunny school lawn and caught sight of the bench where Buffy and her army of dorks-- which of course included Xander, the ultimate dork-- sat to do their dork thing. Sure enough, Buffy and Willow were sitting on the bench, and--

"Oh dear God," Cordelia blurted out loud before she could stop herself. Buffy and Willow were embracing-- no, let's not beat around the bush, they were making out, on the bench, while Oz and Xander sat on the grass at their feet-- and quite apart from her own gag reflex at the sight, Cordelia couldn't help but notice that neither male seemed as delighted by the spectacle as you'd think, considering that they were... well... male, and therefore disgusting perverts. But they were just sitting, staring at the ground.

Wouldn't you know that even in Perfect World, where men knew their place, Xander would still be sitting at Willow's feet, Cordelia mused bitterly. Well, she'd fix that quickly enough. Squaring her shoulders, she strode confidently towards Buffy and Willow, determined if nothing else to break up the nauseating spectacle of their lip-lock.

Buffy broke away first, raising her eyebrows as Cordelia approached.

"Cordelia?" she asked, puzzled. "I thought you were busy choosing an escort for the winter formal. Don't tell me-- out of all those premium finalists you couldn't find one worthy to be at the end of your custom-made, diamond-encrusted Dior leash."

Cordelia glanced automatically at Xander, who might have been expected to jump in on Buffy's pathetic attempts at sarcasm if not for the fact that-- Cordelia saw with a strange feeling somewhere in the vicinity of her stomach-- he was quite literally gagged, his lips stretched around a red rubber ball held in place by a contrivance of black straps. Cordelia swallowed.

"What?" said Buffy, following Cordy's gaze. "You want to borrow him again? Jeez, you really must be in a bad mood."

"Borrow him," Cordelia echoed, still staring at Xander. "Yeah. Can I?"

"Ask Will," said Buffy indifferently, and Cordelia narrowed her eyes at Willow, who put an idly protective hand on Xander's head.

"I don't think he's been that bad, do you, Buff?" she said, and the look Xander sent up at her then was pure slavish gratitude-- and Cordelia had a nasty feeling slavish wasn't just a figure of speech in this instance. It almost distracted her from what Willow had just said.

Almost. "Hey! What's that supposed to mean?"

Buffy and Willow laughed, Willow ruffling Xander's hair fondly. Cordelia heroically suppressed the urge to vomit.

"Come on, Cordelia," said Willow, smiling. "You can't deny you tend to play a little rough with the kid. And he really does try. He's been extra good lately, I think."

"Then what's with the--" Cordy gestured towards the gag, not quite willing to name it.

"Exactly," said Buffy, flinging an exasperated hand to Cordelia but looking at Willow. "Of course he's good if you frickin' well gag him, Will. But then the second you take it out... I keep telling you, six of the best for every smart remark and we could retire the gag in a week, tops."

"I hate caning him," Willow murmured, caressing Xander's face. "He's such a sweetheart, really, and it's not as if he means any harm."

Buffy shook her head. "Which is exactly why you should do him a favor and beat the lippiness out of him, before he smarts off to the wrong woman when you're not there to bail his ass out."

Xander was nuzzling desperately at Willow's shoes-- red Keds, Cordelia noticed; so the new matriarchy hadn't saved all women from fashion hell-- his hands clutching at her skinny, pasty ankles. Willow giggled.

"Poor puppy," she said playfully. "It's okay, sweetie. Willow won't let them hurt you."

Xander bowed his forehead onto Willow's Keds. Cordelia absolutely couldn't take it any more.

"Look," she said. "I really do need to, uh, borrow him for a while. Come on, Willow. I won't-- hurt him. I swear."

"Gee, if it's that important..." said Willow, looking curiously at Cordelia.

Xander whimpered piteously around his gag. Willow touched his face again, gently.

"Be a good boy," she told him. "Go with Cordy. She promises not to bite."

"Fine," said Buffy, as Xander stared up at Cordelia, shivering, "but leave the gag."

"Oh, like Oz needs it," Cordelia snapped, and Buffy and Willow laughed again. Even Oz smiled slightly, his eyes still on the ground.

"Oz doesn't," said Buffy, "but Spike sure as heck does. Come on, Cordy, that's an expensive gag, not that you'd know anything about the cost of living."

Not about the cost of freaky sex toys, anyway, Cordelia thought, then remembered Buffy's remark about her Dior leash. If designers made that kind of stuff in this world, she probably had a closet full of the best, and Buffy's lame gag was probably from the Dark Mistress section of Wal-Mart. She would have to look into this so that she could be properly sarcastic about it tomorrow.

"You take it off, then," she said for now. Willow reached down and freed Xander from the gag. He looked up at the redhead, his lips raw, his eyes wet.

"Please," he whispered.

Willow slapped him across the face, making Cordelia jump, and then, as he cowered, followed it up with a loving caress to his hair.

"Shhh," she said softly.

"Come on, Xander," said Cordelia loudly, and Xander, with a last beseeching look at Willow, turned and crawled to Cordelia's feet. The strange feeling-- slightly lower than her stomach-- returned as she walked away and he followed her on all fours, obedient and voiceless as a dog.



After a quick survey of her options, Cordelia dragged Xander unceremoniously into the supply closet-- of such happy memory, she said grimly to herself as she flicked on the light-- and examined her ex-boyfriend, who had flattened himself, cringing, on the floor at her feet. She had to admit that although that exact sight had graced many of her daydreams, the reality was...

"Way better," she said aloud to Xander. "Way, way better. Now, I believe we have a few things to discuss."