Lee chapter 35

[maculategiraffe]

Sorry this is another short one, guys. I was going to try to write some more before I posted it, but I figured this conversation has been put off long enough that it deserved its own chapter. :P






Yves leaned in to kiss Holden; Holden kissed him back tenderly, but when Yves tried to deepen the kiss, Holden pulled away. Yves looked worried.

"It's okay, Yves," said Holden, giving Yves a quizzical look. "I'm calm."

"I don't know," said Yves, cupping Holden's face in his palms and looking at his expression analytically. "I might be able to get you a little calmer. Give me about forty minutes."

"I am not going to let you seduce me just so I am in a better mood to talk to the person who hit you in the face last night," Holden informed him. "Honestly, Yves, your niceness sometimes verges on the pathological."

"It's not just that," Yves protested. "I missed you. You were gone for weeks."

Holden laughed. "I was gone for one night."

"Are you sure?" Yves whispered, leaning closer. Holden pulled him in the rest of the way, into a rough hug.

"I'm sure," he said. "I remember because it was the night I had Lee in my bed, and just as I was drifting off to sleep he grabbed my cock. I'll have to tell you about that sometime. But not right now. Valor's in her room?"

Yves sighed and pulled back. "Yes, master. She locked herself in when she heard you were on your way home and-- didn't want to see her. She hasn't come out since."




Holden knocked on the door of Valor's room, then tried the knob, which wouldn't turn.

"Valor?" he called, and when there was no answer, "Val, you have exactly fifteen seconds to open this door before I kick it in and send you the repair bill."

In the breath between twelve seconds later and thirteen, the doorknob turned, and Valor stood framed in the doorway, pale and tired-looking. She was wearing a green slave tunic. Holden blinked at her, and it.

"It's one of Mom's," she said after a moment, without much expression in her voice. "I just wanted to see what it felt like."

"What does it feel like?" Holden asked, keeping his voice equally uninflected.

"I don't know," said Valor. "Not that different. I guess it would be different if I had to wear it."

"Now you're getting it," said Holden quietly.

Valor looked down. "No I'm not."

She sounded so defeated-- his indomitable daughter-- that Holden suddenly wasn't having to work so hard to control his temper. He came past her into the room and sat down on the bed. She shut the door, but stayed standing by it, watching him.

"If you think you're not," he said, trying to be precise, "then maybe that really means you are. I mean, thinking you understand something-- thinking you've got it all figured out-- that usually means you don't. Like Robin."

"Well, I don't," said Valor flatly.

Holden sighed.

"It's not all your fault, Valor," he said. "I wasn't exactly a great role model for you. Maybe I shouldn't ever have tried to be a father. I'm too fucked up."

Valor squinted at him, faintly and momentarily amused, and said, "Way to make it all about you, Dad."

Holden laughed.

"Sorry," he said. "Would you sit down? You're making me nervous."

"You're nervous?" said Valor, sobering, but she went to the large trunk in the corner of the room and sat down on it, crossing her ankles restlessly. "I hit Yves last night, you know."

"I know," said Holden.

Valor swallowed, not quite meeting his eyes. "And then-- after he talked to you on the phone, he looked at me like-- I don't know. Like he was trying to figure out how to tell me I had three hours to live. I thought maybe you were going to kill me."

"I was going to disown you," said Holden.

Valor nodded, unsurprised. "How come you changed your mind?"

"Bran talked me out of it," said Holden. "You should thank him."

"I will," said Valor seriously. "And Yves, too. Whatever he said to you-- I know he was trying-- he was arguing for me. Wasn't he."

"Of course," said Holden.

Valor's eyes were a little glassy as she nodded. "I don't know what I ever did to deserve-- the way he--"

"Nothing," said Holden. "You don't deserve it. Neither do I, come to that."

"I know," said Valor, lacing her fingers together in front of her. "Robin said, when I first tried to tell her how I felt about Yves, that I just loved him like you'd love a pet dog, something loyal and helpless and-- don't look at me like that. I know. That was our first big fight. Me and Robin." She shifted restlessly, the too-large slave tunic falling in awkward folds around her lean body. "Yves is-- goddamnit, Dad. It's not like I don't realize that he's-- probably the best person I'll ever know. I'd have to be an idiot, not to know that."

"And you're not an idiot," said Holden gently.

"I don't know," said Valor. "I think I kind of am. I don't know why Yves-- puts up with me. It's not like you'd make him fuck me if he didn't want to."

Holden shook his head, and Valor added, "And he doesn't just fuck me, he-- If anything, I'm his pet. And I just--"

"Bit the hand that feeds you," said Holden.

"Yeah." Valor looked down at her own hands. "I really do love him, though."

"I know you do," said Holden.

"You do?" Valor asked, looking up hopefully, and Holden nodded.

"It doesn't mean what you did is excusable," he said, and Valor dropped her gaze again, but there was a little more color in her cheeks.

"Dad?" she asked after a moment, in a small voice. "Where's Inga? Did you bring her?"

"Do you think I'd leave her behind?" Holden asked, not accusingly, but Valor winced.

"Can I see her?" she asked, after another moment.

"I don't think it's a good idea right now," said Holden carefully, and to his surprise, Valor nodded.

"You're probably right," she said. "I wrote her a letter, last night. Will you give it to her?"

Holden hesitated. "May I read it first?"

"I guess," said Valor, but rather grudgingly. "What, are you her master now?"

Holden sighed. "I'm just trying to make sure she's taken care of."

"Yeah, I know," said Valor, her voice softening. "That's fine. You're better at it than I am."

"Well, I have more practice," Holden pointed out mildly.

"That's not all," said Valor, and grabbed a loose fold of the green tunic, flapping it at him.

Holden was silent, taking in the gesture and its implications, before he said, neutrally, "I really hated wearing that color. You know Alix picked it because it looked good on your mother."

"I know," said Valor pensively. "I bet you hated white, too. What did you wear before that?"

"With Pasha? I mean--" Holden found himself blushing unaccountably, not sure why the old nickname had slipped out, or why it should make him feel like a child to have said it. "Blue. It-- I mean-- blue."

"Did he let you pick?" Valor asked.

"Yes," said Holden. "He-- we-- yes."

"You don't want to talk about it?" Valor asked, sounding almost hurt.

"I just--" Holden hesitated. "I don't, much. You know."

"I know you don't to me," said Valor, "but I didn't know if--"

"No," said Holden. "Not to anybody."

"Not even Yves?" Valor asked curiously, and Holden shook his head.

"There's no point," he said. "I mean-- you know? It's not-- relevant. To my life now."

"I think you don't like to talk about it because you're embarrassed by how much you liked being a slave," said Valor.

Holden's eyebrows shot up. "Excuse me?"

"You did, didn't you?" Valor asked, undeterred by his tone. "For those first four years. You didn't just like living with Lord Kareyev. You liked belonging to him. Didn't you?"

Holden didn't answer, and after a minute Valor said, "It's okay. I mean, it doesn't mean you-- "

"It doesn't mean anything," said Holden, "except that I was young and naive and stupid."

Valor's brows drew together. "Yves likes belonging to you. He's not naive or stupid."

"That's different," said Holden.

"No it's not," said Valor. "Lord Kareyev loved you just as much as you love Yves."

"I seriously doubt that," said Holden. "If anybody ever tried to sell Yves out from under me--"

"They'd be a red mist, and wherever they'd taken him would be a smoking ruin strewn with stray body parts," Valor interrupted, startling Holden into a slight smile. "I know. But that's you. People are different. You know he loved you, Dad. He pined away the next twenty years."

"Lisa looks so much like him," Holden said, after a moment.

Valor put her head on one side, watching him. "Yeah?"

"Yeah."

There was a long pause before Valor said, "Anyway-- Dad? What do you really think of slavery? I mean, do you think it's-- wrong?"

Holden sighed and looked at his feet.

"A lot of things are wrong, kid," he said. "It was wrong for Argounov to seduce your mom, but we got you out of the deal, didn't we?"

"Yeah," said Valor bitterly. "Some deal."

Holden looked at her, then got up and went to sit down next to her on the trunk, putting an arm around her. She looked up at him, leaning into him with unexpected quiescence, as Holden took in the familiar green eyes in her unhappy face, so close he could see the whitish tracks of dried tears down her pale cheeks.

"I love you, Val," he said softly. "I'm sorry I get so-- impatient, sometimes. I wouldn't get so mad at you if-- well, if I didn't expect great things from you. If I didn't-- depend on you, to take over the world when I'm gone."

Valor put her head down on his shoulder.

"I don't want you to be gone," she said, rather unsteadily. "I don't think I'm ready. To take over."

Holden smiled a little. "So you're not lining the old guard up against the wall and making an example of us just yet?"

"No," said Valor, with a tiny smile in her voice. "Not just yet."

"I'll take what reprieve I can get," said Holden dryly. "You might want to keep an eye on Robin, though. Make sure she doesn't jump the gun."

"Oh, Robin," said Valor, not rancorously, but not sounding as if the word darling was anywhere near her thoughts, either. "She's okay. You've got to admit she's a good photographer."

"I will admit that," Holden agreed. "As a girlfriend for you, though--"

"She's a bad influence," said Valor. "I know." She added absently, after a moment, "I think we broke up."

"You think what?" Holden pulled back slightly to peer at her. "When do you think this might have happened?"

"Yesterday, over the phone," said Valor. "Right before you showed up at my place, actually. At least, we had a huge fight. She called me up to say that she'd showed you the prints and Lee had spilled stuff on them, and that she yelled at him, and-- she just got--" Valor gestured vaguely. "And then, last night, I wrote her a really mean letter."

"Excellent," said Holden.

Valor squinted at him. "But I didn't send it. Because I'm trying to think before I act. Like you always say I should, remember?"

"Oh, right," said Holden. "Although I might make an exception in favor of lashing out unthinkingly, just for Robin."

Valor shook her head reprovingly. "That's not fair, Dad. She's not a bad person--"

"Mmm hmm," said Holden.

"She's not," Valor insisted. "She really-- but she just doesn't understand-- things that-- I need people to understand. Like about Inga." She hesitated. "I mean, maybe you don't think I should own Inga any more anyway-- and maybe you're right-- although I think you should ask her. I think she does still actually like me, though God only knows why."

Holden laughed.

"What?" Valor asked, distracted.

"Just-- you really are my daughter," said Holden, and Valor looked startled for a moment before she laughed, too.

"Thanks," she said. "I think."

"I think you're welcome," said Holden. "And I also think you and Inga need to talk."

Valor's eyes widened, making her look much younger. "You mean-- now?"

Holden nodded, and Valor put her arms around him and hugged him, hard. He hugged back.

"I'll do better," she said, muffled. "I promise. Dad-- I'm really sorry."

"Don't tell me," said Holden, pulling away. "Tell Inga. And Yves."

"I told Yves a billion times already," she protested, and then, "Okay, I'll tell him a billion more. Oh, and Dad? Will you give him permission to hit me back? I asked him to this morning, but he wouldn't."

Holden burst out laughing. "You asked Yves to hit you?"

"What's so funny?" Valor demanded. "It's only fair, right?"

"Sure," said Holden, still grinning. "Sure, it's fair. But he'd never do it, even if I did give him permission, you know that."

"I guess you're right," said Valor pensively. "Oh well. Hey, but you could hit me."

"I could," said Holden, leaning forward to kiss his daughter briefly on the forehead, "but at the moment, oddly enough, I actually don't want to."