Codicil to chapter 16

[maculategiraffe]

I just realized this scene really belongs with chapter 16, even if that makes chapter 16 insanely long, so let's call it









When Denys had left, Holden let the encouraging smile drop from his face and put his head in his hands, thinking of Lee. The boy's pain and desperation had been so raw, Holden felt as if he'd given a casual pat on the back to a creature that turned out to be made of glass and shivered into fragments at the touch. The idea of having any kind of sex with the sobbing child who had collapsed at his feet in a wordless, hysterical plea for mercy while Holden's cock was still gleaming with his saliva wasn't just a neutral any more; Holden felt as if his balls were trying to climb up inside him at the thought.

Please let me try again... Holden shook his head, still buried in his hands. I don't have the stomach for this job any more. Maybe it's time to call Jesse.

But the thought brought no relief, not even momentary. Jesse wouldn't do any more good for Lee than Holden could.

Struck by a sudden thought, Holden lifted his head abruptly, and saw with a slight shock that Bran was standing in the doorway, watching him.

"How long have you been there?" he demanded, and Bran ducked his head sheepishly. "Never mind. Where's Lee?"

"I got him to sleep, master. He was worn out." Bran obeyed Holden's quick gesture and came closer; he started to kneel at Holden's feet, but Holden grabbed his arm and pulled him almost roughly into his lap. He hugged Bran to him and buried his face in the boy's warm neck, sudden and extremely unwelcome tears springing to his eyes.

"Master?" said Bran softly, and when Holden lifted his head, the boy reached up to touch the tears on his master's face. "Are you okay?"

"No," said Holden with a wan smile. "I'm having a nervous breakdown."

"Please don't do that, master," said Bran apprehensively. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes." Holden leaned forward and pressed his cheek, briefly, against Bran's. "I need you to make something clear to Lee for me. I'd tell him myself, but he seems to take things better from you. I'm not going to be having any kind of sex with him for a while."

"He's not going to take that well, master," said Bran frankly. "Not from anyone. He's really anxious to please you."

"Well, if we have to spend a month on the part of his training where he realizes it's possible to please your master without sex, so be it. I'll hold him and hug him as much as he wants-- the Ravens know he needs it-- but I won't put any part of me inside any part of him. He might be well enough physically, but emotionally-- you saw what happened."

Bran looked down. "Yeah, that was pretty awful."

"It just about put me off sex with teenage boys," said Holden, "and that's saying something. I'm not doing it again. But listen, Bran, I wanted to ask you. Do you think Lee would do better being reintroduced to sex by someone who isn't his master?"

Bran frowned. "Like-- Lord Taganov, or somebody?"

"No, idiot," said Holden affectionately. "Like you."

"Me, master?" Bran stared at him.

"He trusts you," said Holden reasonably. "He loves kissing you, that's obvious-- he relaxed into it right away. He won't feel like his life is on the line if he doesn't perform well with you. It could just be-- play. Getting him used to gentle touches, to his own body's responses, and someone else's. Do you think that's something he'd respond well to?"

"Maybe," said Bran cautiously.

"And would you be comfortable with it?" Holden smiled at Bran's wary look. "It's okay to say yes or no, kid."

"I--" Bran had to think for a minute, and Holden reached out from long habit to take his hand while he thought, running a finger over the creases in Bran's palm, then pressing his lips to the boy's fingertips. "I think so, master. I mean, if you were. If it were on your orders."

"Good," said Holden. "I'll talk to Lee then, give him permission. And I'm sure I don't have to tell you not to rush him into anything he's not ready for yet."

Bran shook his head. "No, master. But-- do you mean I have permission to-- fuck him?"

"If you think he's ready," said Holden. "I'd rather you talk to me about it first, but if you've got a moment going, and you think stopping to consult me would disrupt it, do what you feel is best."

Bran nodded. "You won't be-- jealous?"

"A little," Holden admitted, thinking of the way Bran and Lee had nearly melted into each other in the training room. "But I can deal with it. Lee really needs this."

Tilting his head to one side, Bran reached out to touch Holden's face, examining him with love mingled with something else Holden couldn't quite identify.

"What?" he asked. "Why are you looking at me like that?"

"You--" Bran hesitated.

"What about me?"

Bran smiled and shook his head. "Nothing, master."

"What?" Holden demanded.

Bran giggled. "Nothing!"

"What? Tell me, you little punk!" Holden jabbed his fingers into Bran's ribcage, and Bran writhed as he was tickled, laughing hysterically. "Tell me or I'll spank you."

"You'll spank me if I tell you!" Bran gasped, helpless with mirth.

"Oh, it's like that, is it?" Holden was trying not to laugh back at Bran. "Then if spanking is inevitable, we might as well--"

"Wait, wait," Bran managed, swallowing his laughter and trying to straighten his face. "I was thinking-- how handsome you were, master."

"I'm going to cut you a break, boy, and call that backsass instead of a lie." Holden pushed the squirming young man down over his lap and yanked his tunic up, baring his ass and delivering three hard smacks with his open palm before pausing to admire the red handprints forming on the firm young bottom. "Do it again and the next thing you'll do with that smart mouth is unbuckle my belt for me."

Bran had gone limp, as he always did when being spanked, however playfully, but when Holden pulled him back up he twisted himself cooperatively back into a sitting position, pink-cheeked and searching Holden's face, then gave his master a small, shy smile.

"You won't be mad if I tell you?" he asked meekly.

"Not as mad as I'll be if you don't."

Bran nodded and folded his hands in his lap as if resigning himself. "Yes, master. I was thinking-- you know how you were saying how much I'd grown up since you bought me?"

Holden nodded, and Bran broke into another irresistible smile.

"I was thinking," he said, "so have you."