Young Victoria
Jan. 15th, 2010 08:08 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
maculategiraffeYeah, so, I've always been a huge fan of cleolinda's Movies in Fifteen Minutes parodies, and then last night, while hanging out with my mom and grandmother, I went to see Young Victoria, which I was actually quite looking forward to-- I love the story of Victoria and Albert very much, and I'm not completely opposed to costume dramas, and I even walked past a theater showing Sherlock Holmes to watch this movie, which I now bitterly regret.
But the entire time I was watching the movie, I was just about bursting with the desire to make snarky comments, and on the way home I was wondering ifcleolinda would ever m15m this movie, and I decided probably not, and then when I got home I wrote this very very quickly. I'm not nearly as funny as cleolinda, but... it had to be done.
FRILLY PALACE O'STAIRCASES
TINY VICTORIA: Some people are lucky, and some are not. That is certainly true for me, although I didn't always think so.
AUDIENCE: Wait, what?
TINY VICTORIA: I mean, being a princess isn't all puppies and china dolls and frilly dresses and living in giant palaces and stuff. Just, you know, mostly.
MAMA KENT: It's also about being manipulated and smothered all the time! Victoria, you must always hold hands with an adult when negotiating a staircase. Bonus points if that adult is some kind of baroness or something.
TINY VICTORIA: You see! You see what I have to put up with!
LORD BLACKWOOD: *glowers, twirls mustache*
MAMA KENT: Oh, he's so dreamy.
SLIGHTLY LESS TINY VICTORIA: And sometimes, when you're a princess, you get Princess Disease, which makes you lie palely in a white bed and bravely refuse to sign things that Lord Blackwood is shoving all up in your face.
SOME KIND OF BARONESS OR SOMETHING: Stop berating the poor wan little princess! Don't you have an orphan to tie to some railroad tracks?
LORD BLACKWOOD: Please, I did six of those before breakfast.
MAMA KENT: *swoon*
SOMEWHERE IN PRUSSIA
THE LORD HIGH WINGMAN: Now recite Victoria's top ten favorite breakfast cereals of all time, AGAIN. In alphabetical order this time, please.
ALBERT: But I hate breakfast cereal. Why can't I talk to the princess about bacon? Mmmm, delicious bacon.
THE LORD HIGH WINGMAN: Look, you need to score with the princess so your Uncle Leopold can manipulate her, in a nefarious subplot that will go absolutely nowhere. CEREALS. NOW.
FRILLY PALACE O'STAIRCASES
VICTORIA: Hi, stud.
ALBERT: Cornflakes!
VICTORIA: I beg your pardon.
ALBERT: I mean... Cap'n Crunch?
VICTORIA: Check, please.
ALBERT (desperately): Bacon!
VICTORIA: ...Keep talking.
ALBERT: That's really all I got. The bacon thing.
VICTORIA: Well, I guess we could always play chess. I love chess, don't you? It's so symbolic.
ALBERT (cautiously): Yes. Do you, uh, know what of?
VICTORIA: It's just like my life! I'm a mere pawn, lifted up and shaken about and acted upon in general by gigantic forces beyond my control!
ALBERT (under his breath): ...in bed.
VICTORIA: I didn't hear that. Shall we waltz?
ALBERT: I suck at waltzing.
VICTORIA (under her breath): ...in bed.
ALBERT: Yeah, well, you suck at chess. And I don't think you actually do understand the symbolism.
VICTORIA: Of course I do-- it symbolizes political maneuvering! Hold my hand as we walk up the stairs?
ALBERT: This might be somewhat romantic if I weren't apparently understudying for that random baroness lady.
VICTORIA: Excuse me, I'd love to keep chatting, but I haven't donned an elaborate new costume with matching headflowers for nearly a full three minutes.
LAND OF GOBLETS AND CHANDELIERS
KING SLUGHORN: Hey there, cutie pie! Long time no see! Aw, I just wanna pinch your little princess cheeks!
VICTORIA: Hee. Hi, Uncle Slughorn.
MAMA KENT: Your Majesty--
KING SLUGHORN: YOU! How dare you show your face in front of me! I heard all about how you redecorated some rooms! NOTHING MAKES ME ANGRIER THAN THAT!
MAMA KENT: I-- what?
PRIME MINISTER BETTANY: *smarms*
VICTORIA: Oh, he's so dreamy.
ALBERT: *death glare*
KING SLUGHORN: A toast! A toast to my cutie-pie niece, who will be queen someday! BUT NOT TO HER HEINOUS ROOM-REDECORATOR OF A MOM! BURN IN HELL, LADY! ROT AND BURN IN HELL! THAT'S RIGHT! YOU BETTER RUN, BITCH! I'M THE GODDAMN KING OF ENGLAND! *slump*
VICTORIA: ...Did he just go crazy and fall asleep?
PRIME MINISTER BETTANY: Aw, don't worry your pretty ringletted head about it, Princess. The king there just has an inferiority complex about not being as great as your dead dad, whom I knew so well that his name is on the tip of my tongue and will come back to me any second. Great guy, that... guy. You have his eyes, or something.
VICTORIA: *swoon*
FRILLY PALACE O'STAIRCASES
LORD BLACKWOOD: *yells, shoves Victoria around, demands money, screams about power*
AUDIENCE: This characterization is a little too subtle for us. Could you just...
LORD BLACKWOOD: *kicks a puppy*
AUDIENCE: Ah, got it, thanks.
SOME BARONESS OR SOMETHING: Victoria! King Slughorn just died of an aneurysm! *weeping* We should never have redecorated that bathroom!
VICTORIA: YES! I'M THE QUEEN! I CAN WALK UPSTAIRS UNAIDED NOW! SUCK IT, MOM!
MAMA KENT: *cries*
VICTORIA: Oh, um, also, would somebody write me a speech for later? I guess I should talk to the Council or something.
COUNCIL OF EIGHT MILLION TERRIFYING BEWIGGED OLD MEN
VICTORIA: In conclusion, I may be young and stupid, but I also never take anyone's advice, ever. Unless they are dreamy.
THE COUNCIL: *collective facepalm*
THE ROYAL RECEIVERY OF DREAMY PRIME MINISTERS
VICTORIA: Can you write down all those names you just told me of my new best friends? I'm so young and stupid I'm afraid I'll forget.
PRIME MINISTER BETTANY: Not to worry, Your Majesty; I have had the list specially laminated. Also, promise me you'll never do anything for poor people during your reign.
VICTORIA: But-- I kind of thought I would do things for poor people, and stuff.
PRIME MINISTER BETTANY: Did I ever mention how much I liked your dead dad?
VICTORIA: "Dear Albert, Prime Minister Bettany is so dreamy. I can't stop thinking about you coming to visit and getting to know him better."
SOMEWHERE IN PRUSSIA
THE LORD HIGH WINGMAN: "...in bed."
ALBERT: SHUT UP.
THE ROYAL FRIGIDARIUM
VICTORIA: I'm cold. Can I get a fire lighted up in here?
ARMY OF SERVANTS: No.
VICTORIA: Why not?
ARMY OF SERVANTS: No special reason.
VICTORIA: Oh. Well, as Queen of England, can I at least get an effective restraining order against the guy who kicked my puppy?
ACTUAL LITERAL ARMY: No.
VICTORIA: DAMMIT.
NEW NOT-DREAMY PRIME MINISTER: So, Your Majesty, about your list of best friends...
VICTORIA (clutching list protectively): It's laminated.
NEW NOT-DREAMY PRIME MINISTER: But I have a dry-erase marker-- if I could just--
VICTORIA: No! I'm the Queen and I'm going to the opera with the ex-Prime Minister!
THE BRITISH PEOPLE: *will not stand for this*
A SUDDEN MOB SCENE
THE BRITISH PEOPLE: *hold up signs reading DOWN WITH OPERA BOXES CONTAINING EX-PRIME MINISTERS PLAYED BY PAUL BETTANY*
EX-PRIME MINISTER BETTANY: Yeah, going to the opera with me is a real hot-button issue for the British people. I should have warned you.
LORD BLACKWOOD: So everyone pretty much wants to kill you now.
VICTORIA: OH MY GOD YOU AGAIN WHAT ARE THOSE GUYS IN THE TALL FURRY HATS EVEN FOR.
LORD BLACKWOOD: I just wanted to let you know that there's a guy in the shrubbery who's about to break that window.
VICTORIA: What? I don't-- that doesn't-- how do you--
WINDOW: *smashes spectacularly*
LORD BLACKWOOD: *vanishes in a puff of smoke*
VICTORIA: Was he even in the script for this movie?
LORD BLACKWOOD (invisibly): No. I just moseyed on over from the set of Sherlock Holmes, because I heard this movie had literally no plot aside from your gazillion costume changes.
VICTORIA: HEY, I-- oh wait, that reminds me, I need to water my headflowers!
TOPIARY GARDEN OF RETIRED HEAVYWEIGHTS
THE QUEEN DOWAGER: Ah, yes, the old everyone-hating-you-for-no-reason bit. Been there, done that.
VICTORIA: I don't get it! Do I not have enough frilly costumes? Is that it?
THE QUEEN DOWAGER: ...No, that is not it.
VICTORIA: Maybe I should order more transparent bonnets.
THE QUEEN DOWAGER: Just be yourself, my dear. Also, you should probably get married pretty soon. How about that nice Prussian boy?
VICTORIA: Can't waltz.
THE QUEEN DOWAGER: Neither could Slughorn, until I taught him. If you know what I mean, and I think you do.
VICTORIA: I'm going inside now.
THE ROYAL BEDCHAMBER
VICTORIA (reading letter): "Dear daughter, I am still in this movie, aren't I? Just checking. Love, Mama. PS. Redecorated more rooms today!" Aww!
AN ENORMOUS BALL(ROOM)
VICTORIA: Albert! You CAN waltz! Let's get married!
ALBERT: Cool.
THE ROYAL BEDCHAMBER, ON THE MORNING AFTER THE WEDDING
VICTORIA: WOW.
ALBERT: I know, right?
VICTORIA: I love you very much forever.
ALBERT: In bed!
VICTORIA: INDEED.
RAINY, SHEEP-RIDDEN HONEYMOON
VICTORIA AND ALBERT: *frolic wetly*
ALBERT: Not like that.
VICTORIA: Actually, exactly like that. C'mere, you.
LADIES' SOLAR AND EMBROIDERARIAM
VICTORIA: *does important, official queen things*
LADIES AND ALBERT: *embroider*
ALBERT: Victoria, darling, you haven't seen my testicles, have you?
VICTORIA: Don't worry, beloved, I'm keeping them safe for you.
ALBERT: I might just... go do some stuff. Like crush a million beer cans on my forehead.
VICTORIA: Have fun, sweetie.
LATER, IN THE ROYAL BEDCHAMBER
ALBERT: Hey, honey, I got the servants to light a fire, and deported Lord Blackwood back to the set of his own movie!
VICTORIA: That's nice, dear.
ALBERT: And I'm doing things for poor people, just like we always wanted to do!
VICTORIA: Good for you!
ALBERT: Also, I took a dry-erase marker and just fiddled around a little bit with your--
VICTORIA: MY LAMINATED FRIEND LIST???
ALBERT: ...yes? Look, can you even tell any of these people apart by sight?
VICTORIA: That's not the point! You messed with my list behind my back! THIS IS BECAUSE I'M A WOMAN, ISN'T IT?
ALBERT: Of course not! Now stop being so shrill and hysterical before you damage your reproductive organs!
SOMEWHERE IN PRUSSIA
KING LEOPOLD: So, wasn't he supposed to be manipulating her on my behalf or something? Whatever happened to that?
THE LORD HIGH WINGMAN: I dunno.
THE ROYAL CARRIAGE
ALBERT: Remember on our wedding night, how--
VICTORIA: I'm not speaking to you. And I've put your little dry-erase marker with your testicles.
ALBERT (hopefully): In bed?
VICTORIA: Shut up. I hate you.
SOME PSYCHO: *shoots at Victoria*
ALBERT: *takes the bullet*
VICTORIA: NO, MY ONLY LOVE!
ALBERT'S BEDCHAMBER OF REMORSE
VICTORIA: Why did you take a bullet for me? Why would you do such a thing? Why?
ALBERT: Because... as Queen... you have the most useless... bodyguards... ever. Also... I love you.
VICTORIA (weeping): Oh, my brave, stupid darling! As soon as you get up, I so have a present for you!
REPURPOSED GENDER-NEUTRAL SOLAR AND ALBERTARIUM
ALBERT: My testicles! You shouldn't have!
VICTORIA: I just love you THAT MUCH.
HELPFUL HISTORICAL SUBTITLES
In the next twenty years, Victoria popped out nine children and passed along the elaborate costuming gene to all of them. When Albert died, Victoria, in the deepest expression of love she could encompass, picked out a new costume for him each day for the rest of forever. The End.
IN THE MOVIE THEATER
SABRINA: Finally! Let's get out of here before they discover another warehouse full of costumes-- Mom?
SABRINA'S MOM: *is weeping too hard to speak*
SABRINA'S GRANDMOTHER (emotionally): That was the most beautiful movie I've ever seen in my life.
SABRINA (puzzled): But... nothing even exploded. Except the window, sort of. And there was just the one gun, and it didn't really--
SABRINA'S MOM (sniffling): Oh, Albert!
SABRINA: Can we at least sneak into the end of Sherlock Holmes now? I've still only seen it four times in the theater.
SABRINA'S GRANDMOTHER: No, I want to go home and think about this beautiful, beautiful movie.
SABRINA (sadly shuffling after them): I'm adopted, aren't I?
cleolinda's Movies in Fifteen Minutes parodies, and then last night, while hanging out with my mom and grandmother, I went to see Young Victoria, which I was actually quite looking forward to-- I love the story of Victoria and Albert very much, and I'm not completely opposed to costume dramas, and I even walked past a theater showing Sherlock Holmes to watch this movie, which I now bitterly regret.But the entire time I was watching the movie, I was just about bursting with the desire to make snarky comments, and on the way home I was wondering if
cleolinda would ever m15m this movie, and I decided probably not, and then when I got home I wrote this very very quickly. I'm not nearly as funny as cleolinda, but... it had to be done.FRILLY PALACE O'STAIRCASES
TINY VICTORIA: Some people are lucky, and some are not. That is certainly true for me, although I didn't always think so.
AUDIENCE: Wait, what?
TINY VICTORIA: I mean, being a princess isn't all puppies and china dolls and frilly dresses and living in giant palaces and stuff. Just, you know, mostly.
MAMA KENT: It's also about being manipulated and smothered all the time! Victoria, you must always hold hands with an adult when negotiating a staircase. Bonus points if that adult is some kind of baroness or something.
TINY VICTORIA: You see! You see what I have to put up with!
LORD BLACKWOOD: *glowers, twirls mustache*
MAMA KENT: Oh, he's so dreamy.
SLIGHTLY LESS TINY VICTORIA: And sometimes, when you're a princess, you get Princess Disease, which makes you lie palely in a white bed and bravely refuse to sign things that Lord Blackwood is shoving all up in your face.
SOME KIND OF BARONESS OR SOMETHING: Stop berating the poor wan little princess! Don't you have an orphan to tie to some railroad tracks?
LORD BLACKWOOD: Please, I did six of those before breakfast.
MAMA KENT: *swoon*
SOMEWHERE IN PRUSSIA
THE LORD HIGH WINGMAN: Now recite Victoria's top ten favorite breakfast cereals of all time, AGAIN. In alphabetical order this time, please.
ALBERT: But I hate breakfast cereal. Why can't I talk to the princess about bacon? Mmmm, delicious bacon.
THE LORD HIGH WINGMAN: Look, you need to score with the princess so your Uncle Leopold can manipulate her, in a nefarious subplot that will go absolutely nowhere. CEREALS. NOW.
FRILLY PALACE O'STAIRCASES
VICTORIA: Hi, stud.
ALBERT: Cornflakes!
VICTORIA: I beg your pardon.
ALBERT: I mean... Cap'n Crunch?
VICTORIA: Check, please.
ALBERT (desperately): Bacon!
VICTORIA: ...Keep talking.
ALBERT: That's really all I got. The bacon thing.
VICTORIA: Well, I guess we could always play chess. I love chess, don't you? It's so symbolic.
ALBERT (cautiously): Yes. Do you, uh, know what of?
VICTORIA: It's just like my life! I'm a mere pawn, lifted up and shaken about and acted upon in general by gigantic forces beyond my control!
ALBERT (under his breath): ...in bed.
VICTORIA: I didn't hear that. Shall we waltz?
ALBERT: I suck at waltzing.
VICTORIA (under her breath): ...in bed.
ALBERT: Yeah, well, you suck at chess. And I don't think you actually do understand the symbolism.
VICTORIA: Of course I do-- it symbolizes political maneuvering! Hold my hand as we walk up the stairs?
ALBERT: This might be somewhat romantic if I weren't apparently understudying for that random baroness lady.
VICTORIA: Excuse me, I'd love to keep chatting, but I haven't donned an elaborate new costume with matching headflowers for nearly a full three minutes.
LAND OF GOBLETS AND CHANDELIERS
KING SLUGHORN: Hey there, cutie pie! Long time no see! Aw, I just wanna pinch your little princess cheeks!
VICTORIA: Hee. Hi, Uncle Slughorn.
MAMA KENT: Your Majesty--
KING SLUGHORN: YOU! How dare you show your face in front of me! I heard all about how you redecorated some rooms! NOTHING MAKES ME ANGRIER THAN THAT!
MAMA KENT: I-- what?
PRIME MINISTER BETTANY: *smarms*
VICTORIA: Oh, he's so dreamy.
ALBERT: *death glare*
KING SLUGHORN: A toast! A toast to my cutie-pie niece, who will be queen someday! BUT NOT TO HER HEINOUS ROOM-REDECORATOR OF A MOM! BURN IN HELL, LADY! ROT AND BURN IN HELL! THAT'S RIGHT! YOU BETTER RUN, BITCH! I'M THE GODDAMN KING OF ENGLAND! *slump*
VICTORIA: ...Did he just go crazy and fall asleep?
PRIME MINISTER BETTANY: Aw, don't worry your pretty ringletted head about it, Princess. The king there just has an inferiority complex about not being as great as your dead dad, whom I knew so well that his name is on the tip of my tongue and will come back to me any second. Great guy, that... guy. You have his eyes, or something.
VICTORIA: *swoon*
FRILLY PALACE O'STAIRCASES
LORD BLACKWOOD: *yells, shoves Victoria around, demands money, screams about power*
AUDIENCE: This characterization is a little too subtle for us. Could you just...
LORD BLACKWOOD: *kicks a puppy*
AUDIENCE: Ah, got it, thanks.
SOME BARONESS OR SOMETHING: Victoria! King Slughorn just died of an aneurysm! *weeping* We should never have redecorated that bathroom!
VICTORIA: YES! I'M THE QUEEN! I CAN WALK UPSTAIRS UNAIDED NOW! SUCK IT, MOM!
MAMA KENT: *cries*
VICTORIA: Oh, um, also, would somebody write me a speech for later? I guess I should talk to the Council or something.
COUNCIL OF EIGHT MILLION TERRIFYING BEWIGGED OLD MEN
VICTORIA: In conclusion, I may be young and stupid, but I also never take anyone's advice, ever. Unless they are dreamy.
THE COUNCIL: *collective facepalm*
THE ROYAL RECEIVERY OF DREAMY PRIME MINISTERS
VICTORIA: Can you write down all those names you just told me of my new best friends? I'm so young and stupid I'm afraid I'll forget.
PRIME MINISTER BETTANY: Not to worry, Your Majesty; I have had the list specially laminated. Also, promise me you'll never do anything for poor people during your reign.
VICTORIA: But-- I kind of thought I would do things for poor people, and stuff.
PRIME MINISTER BETTANY: Did I ever mention how much I liked your dead dad?
VICTORIA: "Dear Albert, Prime Minister Bettany is so dreamy. I can't stop thinking about you coming to visit and getting to know him better."
SOMEWHERE IN PRUSSIA
THE LORD HIGH WINGMAN: "...in bed."
ALBERT: SHUT UP.
THE ROYAL FRIGIDARIUM
VICTORIA: I'm cold. Can I get a fire lighted up in here?
ARMY OF SERVANTS: No.
VICTORIA: Why not?
ARMY OF SERVANTS: No special reason.
VICTORIA: Oh. Well, as Queen of England, can I at least get an effective restraining order against the guy who kicked my puppy?
ACTUAL LITERAL ARMY: No.
VICTORIA: DAMMIT.
NEW NOT-DREAMY PRIME MINISTER: So, Your Majesty, about your list of best friends...
VICTORIA (clutching list protectively): It's laminated.
NEW NOT-DREAMY PRIME MINISTER: But I have a dry-erase marker-- if I could just--
VICTORIA: No! I'm the Queen and I'm going to the opera with the ex-Prime Minister!
THE BRITISH PEOPLE: *will not stand for this*
A SUDDEN MOB SCENE
THE BRITISH PEOPLE: *hold up signs reading DOWN WITH OPERA BOXES CONTAINING EX-PRIME MINISTERS PLAYED BY PAUL BETTANY*
EX-PRIME MINISTER BETTANY: Yeah, going to the opera with me is a real hot-button issue for the British people. I should have warned you.
LORD BLACKWOOD: So everyone pretty much wants to kill you now.
VICTORIA: OH MY GOD YOU AGAIN WHAT ARE THOSE GUYS IN THE TALL FURRY HATS EVEN FOR.
LORD BLACKWOOD: I just wanted to let you know that there's a guy in the shrubbery who's about to break that window.
VICTORIA: What? I don't-- that doesn't-- how do you--
WINDOW: *smashes spectacularly*
LORD BLACKWOOD: *vanishes in a puff of smoke*
VICTORIA: Was he even in the script for this movie?
LORD BLACKWOOD (invisibly): No. I just moseyed on over from the set of Sherlock Holmes, because I heard this movie had literally no plot aside from your gazillion costume changes.
VICTORIA: HEY, I-- oh wait, that reminds me, I need to water my headflowers!
TOPIARY GARDEN OF RETIRED HEAVYWEIGHTS
THE QUEEN DOWAGER: Ah, yes, the old everyone-hating-you-for-no-reason bit. Been there, done that.
VICTORIA: I don't get it! Do I not have enough frilly costumes? Is that it?
THE QUEEN DOWAGER: ...No, that is not it.
VICTORIA: Maybe I should order more transparent bonnets.
THE QUEEN DOWAGER: Just be yourself, my dear. Also, you should probably get married pretty soon. How about that nice Prussian boy?
VICTORIA: Can't waltz.
THE QUEEN DOWAGER: Neither could Slughorn, until I taught him. If you know what I mean, and I think you do.
VICTORIA: I'm going inside now.
THE ROYAL BEDCHAMBER
VICTORIA (reading letter): "Dear daughter, I am still in this movie, aren't I? Just checking. Love, Mama. PS. Redecorated more rooms today!" Aww!
AN ENORMOUS BALL(ROOM)
VICTORIA: Albert! You CAN waltz! Let's get married!
ALBERT: Cool.
THE ROYAL BEDCHAMBER, ON THE MORNING AFTER THE WEDDING
VICTORIA: WOW.
ALBERT: I know, right?
VICTORIA: I love you very much forever.
ALBERT: In bed!
VICTORIA: INDEED.
RAINY, SHEEP-RIDDEN HONEYMOON
VICTORIA AND ALBERT: *frolic wetly*
ALBERT: Not like that.
VICTORIA: Actually, exactly like that. C'mere, you.
LADIES' SOLAR AND EMBROIDERARIAM
VICTORIA: *does important, official queen things*
LADIES AND ALBERT: *embroider*
ALBERT: Victoria, darling, you haven't seen my testicles, have you?
VICTORIA: Don't worry, beloved, I'm keeping them safe for you.
ALBERT: I might just... go do some stuff. Like crush a million beer cans on my forehead.
VICTORIA: Have fun, sweetie.
LATER, IN THE ROYAL BEDCHAMBER
ALBERT: Hey, honey, I got the servants to light a fire, and deported Lord Blackwood back to the set of his own movie!
VICTORIA: That's nice, dear.
ALBERT: And I'm doing things for poor people, just like we always wanted to do!
VICTORIA: Good for you!
ALBERT: Also, I took a dry-erase marker and just fiddled around a little bit with your--
VICTORIA: MY LAMINATED FRIEND LIST???
ALBERT: ...yes? Look, can you even tell any of these people apart by sight?
VICTORIA: That's not the point! You messed with my list behind my back! THIS IS BECAUSE I'M A WOMAN, ISN'T IT?
ALBERT: Of course not! Now stop being so shrill and hysterical before you damage your reproductive organs!
SOMEWHERE IN PRUSSIA
KING LEOPOLD: So, wasn't he supposed to be manipulating her on my behalf or something? Whatever happened to that?
THE LORD HIGH WINGMAN: I dunno.
THE ROYAL CARRIAGE
ALBERT: Remember on our wedding night, how--
VICTORIA: I'm not speaking to you. And I've put your little dry-erase marker with your testicles.
ALBERT (hopefully): In bed?
VICTORIA: Shut up. I hate you.
SOME PSYCHO: *shoots at Victoria*
ALBERT: *takes the bullet*
VICTORIA: NO, MY ONLY LOVE!
ALBERT'S BEDCHAMBER OF REMORSE
VICTORIA: Why did you take a bullet for me? Why would you do such a thing? Why?
ALBERT: Because... as Queen... you have the most useless... bodyguards... ever. Also... I love you.
VICTORIA (weeping): Oh, my brave, stupid darling! As soon as you get up, I so have a present for you!
REPURPOSED GENDER-NEUTRAL SOLAR AND ALBERTARIUM
ALBERT: My testicles! You shouldn't have!
VICTORIA: I just love you THAT MUCH.
HELPFUL HISTORICAL SUBTITLES
In the next twenty years, Victoria popped out nine children and passed along the elaborate costuming gene to all of them. When Albert died, Victoria, in the deepest expression of love she could encompass, picked out a new costume for him each day for the rest of forever. The End.
IN THE MOVIE THEATER
SABRINA: Finally! Let's get out of here before they discover another warehouse full of costumes-- Mom?
SABRINA'S MOM: *is weeping too hard to speak*
SABRINA'S GRANDMOTHER (emotionally): That was the most beautiful movie I've ever seen in my life.
SABRINA (puzzled): But... nothing even exploded. Except the window, sort of. And there was just the one gun, and it didn't really--
SABRINA'S MOM (sniffling): Oh, Albert!
SABRINA: Can we at least sneak into the end of Sherlock Holmes now? I've still only seen it four times in the theater.
SABRINA'S GRANDMOTHER: No, I want to go home and think about this beautiful, beautiful movie.
SABRINA (sadly shuffling after them): I'm adopted, aren't I?
