Correspondence
Apr. 14th, 2009 10:09 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
maculategiraffeUm, bear in mind this is all backlog; like I said, most of these were very close to ready to go before the world ended. Don't get too used to this rate of posting. Also, I decided to get all backlogged stories posted before I work on catching up with other LJ-related things (like comment replies), because I always view my stories as my major method of communicating with y'all anyway and I hate having stories held in reserve because I feel like they answer more questions than I can in comment-replies. I am not ignoring y'all though; just trying to be more or less methodical about getting back into the swing of things.
I'm a little nervous about this one, for reasons that are probably obvious. Hope it works.
Dear Sir,
I have worreyed Andrei with telling him sumthing and now he ses you shud no so I tell you tho I do not think it is importent but he wans you to no so you cud talk to me if I need to be talked to but I dont. All it is that my father wen I was litel was the won that was the ferst to yous me for sex. So it wasent lord Dunave it was my father who was ferst. And my father allso lended me to his frends. So if you cud kynedlee tell Andrei in a leter or how it plees you that wen he bot me he alredy nou I wasent a verjin and had marx on my bak and was jumpy as a frog in a fryng pan as Mona ses so wat difrins to say no it was not this won persun that did this won thing to me it was this uther persun. It is al water under the brij as Mona ses. I am sory to bother you with this Sir. And I am sory for my speling, I have a dictionary that Andrei gave me but it taks so long to luk up evry werd and I get tierd and I dident want to ryt and bother you inyway, So I am sory.
Sincerely yours,
Lee
Dear Lee,
The letter I've written to Andrei is enclosed with this one, and it's not sealed, so feel free to read it before you give it to him.
But for you, sweetheart, I thought I'd write as well, and try to explain why Andrei is worried and upset. I know for certain that it is not because he now sees you as less precious, or less valuable in any way. As you say, he knew already that you weren't a virgin, and that you'd been badly hurt in the past. Andrei is certainly not one to value a person less because damage has been inflicted on him-- or on her, as you know from Mona's example. He is upset because he cares for you very much, and he wants you to be happy and feel safe with him. He already knew you had had a cruel master, and that he needed to be gentle and careful with you. But now, with this new information-- that you were hurt in other ways than what he knew about-- he wants to consult me, because he thinks I know more than he does about how to make you feel safe.
I'm not sure that's true, but it is true that I've already made the kind of mistake he may be afraid of making. Remember how I confused you, when I told you I thought of you as a son? I meant to tell you that I would protect you and care for you, without hurting you and without expecting sexual service in return. But because of what your father did to you, I confused and frightened you instead.
Our parents are supposed to love us, and if they love us wrong, that sometimes leads to confusion about what love means. I think Andrei is upset because he doesn't want to make the same kind of mistake with you that I did. He doesn't want to use a word, or a gesture, that he believes to be comforting, and accidentally bring back a memory to hurt you, or remind you of past suffering.
I hope my letter to him helps him worry less, by reminding him that you are a very strong and resilient young man. And if there is anything else I can do for you, sweetheart, please don't hesitate to let me know. You've got my phone number and you know where I live, and you know you have a standing invitation if you ever do want to talk.
Affectionately yours,
Holden
Dear Sir,
Thank you very much for your letter. I loved reading it altho I had to look up sum of the words in the dictionary but I liked them. I liked the word resilient about me.
I rely liked when you caled me sweetheart. I never saw that word written down befor. You wrote it twys and it made me so glad to read.
I have keped your letter to read again and understand mor later but I am glad you wrote to Andrei and he shoed me your letter to him where you sed about geting his knickers in a twist and he sed Well yes I have a tendunsy to do that and he sed he wud try not to be such a wurry wort and Mona sed Good luck with that. But I toled him when he says Are you sure you dont mind? and Oh Lee deer that was so good thank you! I dont exacly get remind of my father. And inyway evrything is difrent now, becus I am biger and free and I where boots and a belt and I have my freedom paper and as you sed Sir I know where you live. I wud not say this to Andrei becus it mite hurt his feelings, but it makes it difrint, with my father and with lord Dunaev when they put me sum where that was where I was, it dident mater to move becus you jus got put bak. But its difrent now. I can get away if I want.
And inyway if Andrei ever started to hurt me Mona ses she wud kik his ass, and Andrei ses, She will too! I yoused to wonder if I had a mother wud she let my father do what he did, now I think she wud not, altho I gess ther is difrint kinds of wimin just like ther is difrint kinds of min.
I do wonder why did my father hate me becus even if I was not always a good boy I always tryed to be a good boy for him. And Mona was a bad girl and dident even try to be good for you at first but you dident hate her. I wonder did he hate me or did he love me, cant you love sumwon and not be kyned. You wrote it is confusion when they love us wrong. Did my father love me just love me wrong. It is what I wonder. He was prowd of how butaful I was, he always sed Look at that skin. And he never let his frends punish me, he always did it him self.
It is a sily thing to wonder tho Sir and you are too bisy to write me bak I know.
Sincerely yours,
Lee
Dear Lee,
I'm going to ignore that last line, and flatter myself that you really think I might have some useful or interesting thoughts, although I certainly don't know enough about your father to answer your questions with any certainty.
You wonder if your father loved you, even though he hurt you and took advantage of you. I don't know. But if he did love you, it wasn't in the way that I understand love. It seems to me that he didn't even understand that you were a person, with a mind and a heart like his own. He was proud of your physical beauty-- and maybe he loved that, in his way-- but he didn't care to see or understand the complicated, delicate grace of your intuitive mind, so keen of observation and so tender to the touch of either kindness or cruelty. If he had seen you as more than a beautiful object to possess and punish-- if he had understood the exquisite fragility of the person in his care-- he could not have treated you as he did. So he may have loved his idea of you, in his own twisted way, but as for you yourself, the Lee I know-- I'm not sure he even knew you were there.
A good father not only loves and forgives his child, but tries hard to understand. You remember when I got so angry with my daughter that I said I would disown her and cut her out of my life? Remember how frightened you were to see Bran talking back to me and arguing with me? You know Bran would never have done that if it hadn't been something very, very important-- and it was. I was about to make a terrible mistake, but Bran helped me remember what makes a good father and a good man.
Maybe if your mother had been alive, she could have helped your father be a better father and a better man. Maybe not. I don't know. As you say, there are many different kinds of men and women in the world-- and some I can only think of as evil. And be fiercely glad that you were strong enough to survive until you were out of their power.
As for Mona, she certainly made me very angry at times-- but it was still my responsibility to be patient with her. The more so, because when I was Mona's age and a slave, I was just as angry and defiant and violent as she, and for a while I didn't try to be good, either. Alix and Jer were patient with me, back then, and it helped me understand how loving attention and understanding can sometimes save a life. Even-- maybe especially-- for a "bad" girl or boy. Mona was certainly well worth the effort, don't you think?
I hope this letter isn't too long and rambling. You always seem to get me thinking, in letters or in person.
Loquaciously yours,
Holden
PS. Bran says to tell you he misses you and sends all his love, but I am keeping a little of it for myself. I hope you don't mind. -HL
Dear Sir,
Your letter was not too long and rambling. It was wonderful. I liked reading it so much. Its like siting nex to you lisening to you talk ownly I can stop and have parts over and over agen, and agen the nex day, if I want. And I need to becus you say complicated things but I like that, it makes me feel you dont think I am stupid altho I write so many words wrong and am so quiyet, My father and lord Dunaev both always said I was a ideit. And when you wrote, The complicated, delicate grace of your intuitive mind, so keen of observation. I loved to read that and you are kyned to write it and think it about me and if you wil not think I am vayne I wil say Yes Sir I am good at observing things, I notis a lot of things but I always thot it was bad until you toled me it was good.
So I was glad for what you say about me but what you say about my father is sad. Becus all he had was me and if he dident even know I was a person it was so lownly! To be him! It is like thinking about sumwon being so hungry and there was fud nex to him but he dident know it was fud and let it be roted, Or he yoused it to feed to rats to catch and ete the rats insted like the rats were his frends. I wish he knew I was there.
And it is like how lord Dunaev had Bran but he dident know how to lisen to him and be beter I gess, I am glad you did. Do you think it is like how some men are born blynd, cud lord Dunaev and my father be born different from you Sir, or is it jus that they were not slaves too, so they dident know what you knew.
It is so funy to think of you Mona's age and a slave. Is it all right to say I am glad you were bad so you were so patient with me and Mona when we were bad. I miss you and Bran. You and Bran shud cum vizit Andrei and Mona and me. You sed we cud vizit aftur I was soled. I hope it is not different jus becus I am free.
Sincerely yours,
Lee
PS. You did this so I hope it is all right to ad on after the letter is sined. I wanted to say I hope my speling is better in this letter because it is esier to look at your letters and see how words shud be speled, it is esier then the dictionary because it is shorter and looking at your letters I keep seeing words like sweetheart and exquisite and Bran and Jer and it is nyser to read then the dictionary.
Dear Lee,
This is not my formal thank-you letter for your household's hospitality-- that has been posted separately-- but I wanted to write to you, individually, to tell you how very much we enjoyed our stay.
It was so good to see you again, sweetheart. Bran and I both had a wonderful time. Your room is beautiful, and I'm happy to see you're keeping busy (all those books! You're going to give Yves a run for his money one of these days) and enjoying Andrei and Mona's companionship. I'm especially happy that, although you're no longer eligible to be "loaned out," Andrei doesn't mind "sharing" you a bit-- Bran really enjoyed getting to be with you again.
The only part I didn't like was that you felt the need to apologize to me for crying. I was never angry with you for crying when you were a slave, and I will certainly never be angry with you for crying now-- nor will anyone else who loves you. You know that, Lee.
Although you no longer belong to me (or to anyone, except by choice), I still feel protective of you, and being able to be there for you made me very happy, even though it was a difficult night. Thank you for honoring me with your trust. I hope you will continue to call on me for the care that a good father gives a beloved son.
Holden
Dear Sir,
I was not sory for the crying, I know that is all right, it was the yeling. If you yel at somwon when they dident do anything wrong it is right to say sory and you dident do anything wrong and you dident hurt me, my father hurt me but he was not there so I shud not have yeled. Like you dident yel when you were mad at miss Robin not to scare me. I want my self control to be beter like that. Even tho you wernt scared and just sed I know I know. So I say Sory again and also Thank you for holeding me.
You are so good to say Call on me for the care that a good father gives a beloved son. I write it bak to you so you see what you sed to me becus I want to ask you sumthing Sir altho I dont know if it is what a father tels a son. But it is this, Do you think I shud write Jer a thank you letter becus he saved my lyf and Andrei says you write a thank you letter when sumwon dos sumthing nys for you so I think I shud write him a thank you letter and maybe he would write me bak a your welcum letter. I would like that if he would write me the way you did so I could have his words to look at when he isent here.
I never missed people befor like this, I was lownly sumtimes but I dident know there was anyone to miss like this. Even when I wished and amajined for people to be good to me it was not like this, Andrei is good to me and Mona and I love them so much but I am jused greedy I gess.
It was so lovely to see you and Bran too, give him my love please Sir and keep sum for yourself.
Sincerely yours,
Lee
Dear Lee,
Yes, write Jer a thank-you letter. And if he doesn't write you back, I'll kick his ass.
Love,
Holden
I'm a little nervous about this one, for reasons that are probably obvious. Hope it works.
Dear Sir,
I have worreyed Andrei with telling him sumthing and now he ses you shud no so I tell you tho I do not think it is importent but he wans you to no so you cud talk to me if I need to be talked to but I dont. All it is that my father wen I was litel was the won that was the ferst to yous me for sex. So it wasent lord Dunave it was my father who was ferst. And my father allso lended me to his frends. So if you cud kynedlee tell Andrei in a leter or how it plees you that wen he bot me he alredy nou I wasent a verjin and had marx on my bak and was jumpy as a frog in a fryng pan as Mona ses so wat difrins to say no it was not this won persun that did this won thing to me it was this uther persun. It is al water under the brij as Mona ses. I am sory to bother you with this Sir. And I am sory for my speling, I have a dictionary that Andrei gave me but it taks so long to luk up evry werd and I get tierd and I dident want to ryt and bother you inyway, So I am sory.
Sincerely yours,
Lee
Dear Lee,
The letter I've written to Andrei is enclosed with this one, and it's not sealed, so feel free to read it before you give it to him.
But for you, sweetheart, I thought I'd write as well, and try to explain why Andrei is worried and upset. I know for certain that it is not because he now sees you as less precious, or less valuable in any way. As you say, he knew already that you weren't a virgin, and that you'd been badly hurt in the past. Andrei is certainly not one to value a person less because damage has been inflicted on him-- or on her, as you know from Mona's example. He is upset because he cares for you very much, and he wants you to be happy and feel safe with him. He already knew you had had a cruel master, and that he needed to be gentle and careful with you. But now, with this new information-- that you were hurt in other ways than what he knew about-- he wants to consult me, because he thinks I know more than he does about how to make you feel safe.
I'm not sure that's true, but it is true that I've already made the kind of mistake he may be afraid of making. Remember how I confused you, when I told you I thought of you as a son? I meant to tell you that I would protect you and care for you, without hurting you and without expecting sexual service in return. But because of what your father did to you, I confused and frightened you instead.
Our parents are supposed to love us, and if they love us wrong, that sometimes leads to confusion about what love means. I think Andrei is upset because he doesn't want to make the same kind of mistake with you that I did. He doesn't want to use a word, or a gesture, that he believes to be comforting, and accidentally bring back a memory to hurt you, or remind you of past suffering.
I hope my letter to him helps him worry less, by reminding him that you are a very strong and resilient young man. And if there is anything else I can do for you, sweetheart, please don't hesitate to let me know. You've got my phone number and you know where I live, and you know you have a standing invitation if you ever do want to talk.
Affectionately yours,
Holden
Dear Sir,
Thank you very much for your letter. I loved reading it altho I had to look up sum of the words in the dictionary but I liked them. I liked the word resilient about me.
I rely liked when you caled me sweetheart. I never saw that word written down befor. You wrote it twys and it made me so glad to read.
I have keped your letter to read again and understand mor later but I am glad you wrote to Andrei and he shoed me your letter to him where you sed about geting his knickers in a twist and he sed Well yes I have a tendunsy to do that and he sed he wud try not to be such a wurry wort and Mona sed Good luck with that. But I toled him when he says Are you sure you dont mind? and Oh Lee deer that was so good thank you! I dont exacly get remind of my father. And inyway evrything is difrent now, becus I am biger and free and I where boots and a belt and I have my freedom paper and as you sed Sir I know where you live. I wud not say this to Andrei becus it mite hurt his feelings, but it makes it difrint, with my father and with lord Dunaev when they put me sum where that was where I was, it dident mater to move becus you jus got put bak. But its difrent now. I can get away if I want.
And inyway if Andrei ever started to hurt me Mona ses she wud kik his ass, and Andrei ses, She will too! I yoused to wonder if I had a mother wud she let my father do what he did, now I think she wud not, altho I gess ther is difrint kinds of wimin just like ther is difrint kinds of min.
I do wonder why did my father hate me becus even if I was not always a good boy I always tryed to be a good boy for him. And Mona was a bad girl and dident even try to be good for you at first but you dident hate her. I wonder did he hate me or did he love me, cant you love sumwon and not be kyned. You wrote it is confusion when they love us wrong. Did my father love me just love me wrong. It is what I wonder. He was prowd of how butaful I was, he always sed Look at that skin. And he never let his frends punish me, he always did it him self.
It is a sily thing to wonder tho Sir and you are too bisy to write me bak I know.
Sincerely yours,
Lee
Dear Lee,
I'm going to ignore that last line, and flatter myself that you really think I might have some useful or interesting thoughts, although I certainly don't know enough about your father to answer your questions with any certainty.
You wonder if your father loved you, even though he hurt you and took advantage of you. I don't know. But if he did love you, it wasn't in the way that I understand love. It seems to me that he didn't even understand that you were a person, with a mind and a heart like his own. He was proud of your physical beauty-- and maybe he loved that, in his way-- but he didn't care to see or understand the complicated, delicate grace of your intuitive mind, so keen of observation and so tender to the touch of either kindness or cruelty. If he had seen you as more than a beautiful object to possess and punish-- if he had understood the exquisite fragility of the person in his care-- he could not have treated you as he did. So he may have loved his idea of you, in his own twisted way, but as for you yourself, the Lee I know-- I'm not sure he even knew you were there.
A good father not only loves and forgives his child, but tries hard to understand. You remember when I got so angry with my daughter that I said I would disown her and cut her out of my life? Remember how frightened you were to see Bran talking back to me and arguing with me? You know Bran would never have done that if it hadn't been something very, very important-- and it was. I was about to make a terrible mistake, but Bran helped me remember what makes a good father and a good man.
Maybe if your mother had been alive, she could have helped your father be a better father and a better man. Maybe not. I don't know. As you say, there are many different kinds of men and women in the world-- and some I can only think of as evil. And be fiercely glad that you were strong enough to survive until you were out of their power.
As for Mona, she certainly made me very angry at times-- but it was still my responsibility to be patient with her. The more so, because when I was Mona's age and a slave, I was just as angry and defiant and violent as she, and for a while I didn't try to be good, either. Alix and Jer were patient with me, back then, and it helped me understand how loving attention and understanding can sometimes save a life. Even-- maybe especially-- for a "bad" girl or boy. Mona was certainly well worth the effort, don't you think?
I hope this letter isn't too long and rambling. You always seem to get me thinking, in letters or in person.
Loquaciously yours,
Holden
PS. Bran says to tell you he misses you and sends all his love, but I am keeping a little of it for myself. I hope you don't mind. -HL
Dear Sir,
Your letter was not too long and rambling. It was wonderful. I liked reading it so much. Its like siting nex to you lisening to you talk ownly I can stop and have parts over and over agen, and agen the nex day, if I want. And I need to becus you say complicated things but I like that, it makes me feel you dont think I am stupid altho I write so many words wrong and am so quiyet, My father and lord Dunaev both always said I was a ideit. And when you wrote, The complicated, delicate grace of your intuitive mind, so keen of observation. I loved to read that and you are kyned to write it and think it about me and if you wil not think I am vayne I wil say Yes Sir I am good at observing things, I notis a lot of things but I always thot it was bad until you toled me it was good.
So I was glad for what you say about me but what you say about my father is sad. Becus all he had was me and if he dident even know I was a person it was so lownly! To be him! It is like thinking about sumwon being so hungry and there was fud nex to him but he dident know it was fud and let it be roted, Or he yoused it to feed to rats to catch and ete the rats insted like the rats were his frends. I wish he knew I was there.
And it is like how lord Dunaev had Bran but he dident know how to lisen to him and be beter I gess, I am glad you did. Do you think it is like how some men are born blynd, cud lord Dunaev and my father be born different from you Sir, or is it jus that they were not slaves too, so they dident know what you knew.
It is so funy to think of you Mona's age and a slave. Is it all right to say I am glad you were bad so you were so patient with me and Mona when we were bad. I miss you and Bran. You and Bran shud cum vizit Andrei and Mona and me. You sed we cud vizit aftur I was soled. I hope it is not different jus becus I am free.
Sincerely yours,
Lee
PS. You did this so I hope it is all right to ad on after the letter is sined. I wanted to say I hope my speling is better in this letter because it is esier to look at your letters and see how words shud be speled, it is esier then the dictionary because it is shorter and looking at your letters I keep seeing words like sweetheart and exquisite and Bran and Jer and it is nyser to read then the dictionary.
Dear Lee,
This is not my formal thank-you letter for your household's hospitality-- that has been posted separately-- but I wanted to write to you, individually, to tell you how very much we enjoyed our stay.
It was so good to see you again, sweetheart. Bran and I both had a wonderful time. Your room is beautiful, and I'm happy to see you're keeping busy (all those books! You're going to give Yves a run for his money one of these days) and enjoying Andrei and Mona's companionship. I'm especially happy that, although you're no longer eligible to be "loaned out," Andrei doesn't mind "sharing" you a bit-- Bran really enjoyed getting to be with you again.
The only part I didn't like was that you felt the need to apologize to me for crying. I was never angry with you for crying when you were a slave, and I will certainly never be angry with you for crying now-- nor will anyone else who loves you. You know that, Lee.
Although you no longer belong to me (or to anyone, except by choice), I still feel protective of you, and being able to be there for you made me very happy, even though it was a difficult night. Thank you for honoring me with your trust. I hope you will continue to call on me for the care that a good father gives a beloved son.
Holden
Dear Sir,
I was not sory for the crying, I know that is all right, it was the yeling. If you yel at somwon when they dident do anything wrong it is right to say sory and you dident do anything wrong and you dident hurt me, my father hurt me but he was not there so I shud not have yeled. Like you dident yel when you were mad at miss Robin not to scare me. I want my self control to be beter like that. Even tho you wernt scared and just sed I know I know. So I say Sory again and also Thank you for holeding me.
You are so good to say Call on me for the care that a good father gives a beloved son. I write it bak to you so you see what you sed to me becus I want to ask you sumthing Sir altho I dont know if it is what a father tels a son. But it is this, Do you think I shud write Jer a thank you letter becus he saved my lyf and Andrei says you write a thank you letter when sumwon dos sumthing nys for you so I think I shud write him a thank you letter and maybe he would write me bak a your welcum letter. I would like that if he would write me the way you did so I could have his words to look at when he isent here.
I never missed people befor like this, I was lownly sumtimes but I dident know there was anyone to miss like this. Even when I wished and amajined for people to be good to me it was not like this, Andrei is good to me and Mona and I love them so much but I am jused greedy I gess.
It was so lovely to see you and Bran too, give him my love please Sir and keep sum for yourself.
Sincerely yours,
Lee
Dear Lee,
Yes, write Jer a thank-you letter. And if he doesn't write you back, I'll kick his ass.
Love,
Holden
