Holden's letter to Pavel

[maculategiraffe]

By popular request.







Dear Pavel,

You know I'm not a master of letter writing as an art form like you are, so I hope you're not expecting much. I've thrown a few tries at this in the wastebasket, but this one is getting sent, no matter what-- or at least a fair copy of it is. So if it gets strange and digressive at points, sorry about that.

I said I owed you an apology, and I do, so let's just start with that. I'm not sorry for thinking you agreed to let Maria sell me and were too cowardly to tell me to my face-- I mean, I am sorry for that, because it turns out you actually didn't, but I'm not apologizing for it because from my point of view, I still think it was a the reasonable thing to think. I know you said I should have known you loved me, but here's the thing: I tried that for a while. I tried knowing believing it was all some crazy mistake and you were going to come for me and rescue me. But after a while, I realized thinking like that was just going to make me crazy. I mean literally crazy, because I could actually feel myself losing my mind, a little. When he raped Every time he touched

I don't want to talk about what it was like for me at the time, before I got set free, because it will make you feel bad and it's not your fault. And it's all in the past anyway. But Alix said-- back then-- this is when she and I first met-- that if you did finally come for me, you'd understand if I'd had to stop believing you would. She said in the meantime we had to deal with things as they were. And she was right. I couldn't have kept If I'd kept thinking that way, well, look what happened to you I wouldn't have been able to live my life.

So I'm not sorry for thinking believing what I had to believe to get by move on get by.

But then after you showed up again and I realized it really wasn't your fault, that's what I do have to apologize about, because I still didn't forgive you. I still felt like it was your fault somehow, what happened, and that's because-- I think that's because I wanted it to be your fault. I mean, I wanted everything shitty that happened to have been because you were a bad person who didn't care enough about me. I wanted there to be a good reason. And it's not like I was still getting beaten and raped on a regular under duress, like I had been before, it's not like I was in danger of actually losing my mind if I let myself think that it wasn't your fault and you really did love me do your best for me. But I was in danger of losing something. And once I did let it really sink in, I lost-- that thing. Whatever it is that let me own slaves for so long. My whole life, in a way. It all came crashing down. I knew it would, and that's why I fought it so hard.

But none of that's your fault. I told you this would get rambly. I just mean that I kept blaming you because to keep owning slaves, I had to believe the same thing couldn't happen to me. That I was a better slave owner than you were, and maybe that's true but and I could actually protect my so no one could hurt my Yves and Jer and Bran the way you let Maria hurt me. And I do have better taste in women

But I finally had to accept that it wasn't your fault, except for, like I said at the wedding, owning a slave at all. That I'd just gotten lucky, so far. So little of what happens to us is about what we deserve. Maybe none of it is. You didn't deserve to lose me, and I didn't deserve to get lost. It just happened. It's something that can happen to a slave. Simple as that.

But I wanted to be as good to

You were good to me, Pavel. That's another thing I haven't let myself know, for a long time, and I guess it's another thing I have to apologize for. I made myself forget how good things were-- that was something Alix taught me, too, not to remember. So I wouldn't go crazy. And she was right, then. But I'm sorry that after I realized I was wrong about you, I still didn't let myself remember. I think I was afraid of that, too. But you were so good. You know what a wild kid I was, and the idea of being a slave should have scared the hell out of me, but you were so sweet and gentle, I never felt enslaved. Just-- safe. Like I finally had parents who gave a shit whether I lived or died, or like there were gods after all and they loved me. You took care of me, and you gave me everything I could think of to want, and it was so easy to make you happy, it seemed like it made you happy just to look at me. It felt right, like this was what life should be, like my whole shitty life up till then had just been waiting to find you and be yours, and now everything was going to be all right. Like I'd been born in hostile territory, and I'd finally found my way home. I still miss that

I wanted my slaves to feel

You made me believe slavery could be a good thing. I know that sounds like a strange thing to thank you for, especially now that I don't believe slavery can be a good thing. But it's like saying you made me believe the gods loved me and the world was a kind place to live. It isn't, and they don't. But I still thank you for making it possible for me to believe it for a while.

We both know by now that the gods, if they exist, are capricious as fuck, and life isn't kind or even fair. So I won't say I wish for you what you deserve, even though I do. For what you gave me, for the time we had together, and for what you've suffered since, I think you deserve all the bliss and happiness and comfort and fulfillment that the fates could possibly fit into the rest of your life. And whether you deserve it or not, that's what I wish for you. Pasha, I

I'm sorry I blamed you for so long. And I thank you for so much.

Yours Sincerely Sincerely yours

Holden

Please find enclosed the information you requested on Jamesen & Larssen's new business venture. Aren't you proud of me? -HL